I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
