Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize