This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
