he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
