Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
