Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
