keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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