I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
