Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am spending my child support on dildos
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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