alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
