I hate your face
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize