I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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