I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
