I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
