I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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