i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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