So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
