I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
