i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
