So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
