i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
