If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
