I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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