dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
