Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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