the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I need a burrito and a hug.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
