Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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