First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
