You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
