i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize