I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
from now on my penis is your penis
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
