my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
