I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
