If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
