If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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