Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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