You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
