first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
