he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
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