Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up under a house in Key West
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