Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
