god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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