Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
