i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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