Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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