Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
