remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Go christen that room with your naked body.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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