I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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