Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
