...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
