And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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