stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
