I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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