Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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