I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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