hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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