Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
