1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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