I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
