My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
