I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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