I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
