just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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