the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
