3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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